I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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