I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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