I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
