there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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