Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
