david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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