That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
