let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean