I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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