In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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