Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
