you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
