Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
