I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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