Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
