Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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