Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
