Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
