he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
