i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
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