We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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