Ambien. No doubt about it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
