Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
