i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
