My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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