after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
