Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
