Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
