I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
