I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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