I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
