I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
