I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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