Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
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I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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