Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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