Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
