sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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