God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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