So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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