we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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