Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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