I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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