I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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