I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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