Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
