What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
