she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
