If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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