I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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