david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
