My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
