im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
