It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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