So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
