My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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