I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
