i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
